In every relationship, there will be arguments and conflicts.Contrary to popular belief, couples who are happy and content with each other do not avoid conflicts and arguments. Instead, they engage in what I refer to as "conscious arguing."With the help of this framework, you and your partner can resolve conflicts and emerge stronger.
Here are a few guidelines for "conscious arguing" that you and your partner can use:
1. Establish ground principles for your arguments.
Respecting your partner is essential no matter how serious the fight is or how hurt, angry, or sad you may feel.It's acceptable if you don't respect their decisions or actions right now. However, slurs, insults, and disrespect must be avoided. Your objective is to work out a set of ground rules with your partner that will allow you to argue constructively. This may entail refraining from interrupting each other, speaking loudly, or overgeneralizing.Setting those ground rules now, when there is no conflict, is far simpler than doing it later, when things are tense.
2. Using "I" instead of "you".
Arguments that start with "you always" or "you never" usually get more heated. Instead, concentrate on explaining how your partner's behaviors have made you feel. Instead of saying "You made me upset," try saying something like "I felt upset when."Instead of going on the defensive, this encourages your partner to listen and consider the effects of their actions.
3. When necessary, take a break.
Maybe it's time for a break if the argument is getting too heated.Storming out of the room or refusing to speak, though, is not the appropriate response. Before calling a break, you both should pause together and agree to continue the conversation after it ends. You can explore your feelings while pausing, helping you to avoid saying or doing something you might later regret.You'll discover the conversation is frequently more focused and useful once you both have calmed down and are in a position to proceed.
4. No one is a winner.
When you and your partner argue, it's not a one-sided competition where only one of you can prevail.Finding a solution and a path ahead together rather than your partner responding, "You were right," is the definition of a successful outcome. An apology, a revised responsibility-sharing arrangement, or a reaffirmed commitment to one another could be the outcomes of a good fight.In order to prioritize your relationship and the need for both you and your partner to feel respected and heard, you should strive for a resolution rather than a victory.
*Although disagreements are never simple, they are an inevitable part of committed partnerships. Even when you and your partner disagree, your relationship can still get stronger by making a commitment to having constructive disagreements
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